The Absence of Light
by stupid shiny volvo driver
Summary: Since Edward left her in the forest in New Moon, Bella is plagued by a reoccurring nightmare and Edward fights his inner demon. Both struggle with their feelings as they are confronted by reminders of how their lives have changed. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

The Absence of Light

Bella's Promise

It was always the same.

I knew it was a nightmare, but for some unintelligible reason, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop myself from slipping into that dark oblivion.

I wanted it. I needed it more than anything else, since he was already gone.

Gratefully, I sank into the total darkness of the dream to see him just once more, to look into his shining golden eyes one more time, even if it were only in the most horrible of nightmares.

Sinking deeper into the frightening vision, I let it take me away.

_As the leaves rustled in the wind of his passing, my feet would go into overdrive and instead of staying put or simply wandering off in another direction, any direction, I would run – run after him knowing full well I would never catch him. I would never stop him. I would break my promise and once again, I would disappoint him._

_Still, I ran. _

_I ran until the sun no longer shined and the stars where invisible in the dark night sky. Even though I knew the path I took by heart after traveling it so many times, I still tripped over every stone, every twig and every hole. Oddly enough, I never felt any pain beyond the pain in my heart. The trees seemed to bend lower as I passed, just to slap my face, my arms and my body. I knew, as I always did, that by the time I broke out of the trees, I would leave a trail of blood a mile wide behind me for every evil creature in those sinister woods to follow. _

_Just a few… more… yards…_

_I ran out of the trees, tripped the final time and as I went sprawling in the tall moist grass I could smell my own sweat and blood mixed with his delicious scent as it blew back at me from the edge of the cliff._

_I raised my head knowing he would be standing there gloriously dark and breathtakingly beautiful. I told myself over and over not to run. If I could just lay where I fell and call to him, maybe, just maybe this time he would turn around, he would change his mind. _

_However, my feet had a mind of their own and they dragged me forward – stumbling one foot in front of the other, toward him. _

_If I could just grab him before he stepped off it would turn out differently. If I could just stop him once, this crazy nightmare could possibly transform into a peaceful dream. If I could catch my breath for a second and scream his name… please… just this one time! _

_My feet pounded the ground and when I was within inches of him I knew again, I had lost. _

_He stepped off into space and I flew out after him as I always did and always would._

_A split second before my body smashed against the rocks below, I saw him land gracefully on his feet and I smiled knowing he was safe, he was alive and would be for all eternity._

_Then I twisted, hit the rocks and felt my wretched fragile human body fracture into a million different pieces. Still, I felt no pain. I looked at the oddly shaped driftwood that had pierced my chest dragging flesh and bone out with it and knew that the hole created there would be fresh and new once again when I awoke and I would carry it with me forever. _

_He looked down at me, as he always did and always would, surveying my twisted, broken and bloody form. _

_I knew what was coming._

_Disappointment. The realization that he was right to leave me. I was human. I was nothing. I wasn't worthy of his love._

"_Bella, you promised." His voice, once so silky and loving, was now full of regret._

_The fragile fragments of my heart that had not already shattered exploded inside my chest. The only words I could ever say slipped over my lips. Even when I knew the outcome of my request, I couldn't help begging, just once more._

"_Please, take me with you!"_

_His black eyes looked away in disgust and then he was gone._

_As if he never existed._

_Even in death, I had nothing to give him._

_Again, I heard the water rushing toward me ready to cover me and with my last breath I screamed as I screamed every night since he left._

"No! No! No!" I threw my hands up desperately trying to stop the wave from crashing over me, twisting away and with a thud I hit the floor of my bedroom.

_Ouch!_

It was sad to think that I was getting used to the fall, but that one was going to leave a mark. I rubbed my temple where it connected with the floor. I slowly rolled into a ball and as the cold air seeped through my cotton pajamas and shivered uncontrollably.

_Get up-- get up!_

If Charlie found me on the floor just one more time, he would be on the phone to Renée. I would have no choice in the matter.

_Get up!_

It was odd hearing my own voice scream in my head. The voice that held no emotion to the world outside of my mind was pretty darn insistent when my existence meant the difference between staying in Forks and moving to Jacksonville. I released the hold on my legs and they seemed to move on their own. I pushed up then pulled using my bed as an anchor. I never seemed to have enough strength anymore.

_I really should try to eat something._

My stomach clenched at that fleeting thought.

_Well, maybe I could take some vitamins._

I could feel a cynical smile on my face, a twisting of facial features that was more a grimace than a smile.

_Yeah, right._

I sat on the edge of my bed just as Charlie's footsteps came up the stairs. I watched, as the knob turned quietly to the right and the door inched open.

"Oh, Bells, you're awake. You want me to fix you something for breakfast before I go?"

"No thanks," My face felt dead. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't force my lips into even the slightest smile. "I'll just have toast."

Charlie hesitated, probably wondering if there was anything left to say that he hadn't already said, not that I would listen anyway. "Fine but make sure you eat something…okay?"

"I will." _Maybe. Later. Someday._

"You want me to wait and take you to school? It snowed last night, I could…"

"Char…Dad, my truck is safer than your cruiser in the snow."

"Yeah, I know but…" I knew he cared but no amount of fatherly caring was going to fix everything that was wrong and missing in my world.

"I'll be fine." _Liar. I will never be fine again.'_"Really." _Just not today_.

"I'll see ya later then." He smiled and I wondered how in the world he could possibly be happy. How could he look at me and see anything other than the hollow shell of what used to be his daughter.

Charlie turned and head down the stairs leaving my door wide open. Crossing my room to my dresser, I opened my safe drawer, the one where there were only the clothes that didn't remind me of him and I systematically began my mind-numbing day just the same as I had in the last four days.

With the least amount of actual thought, I collected my clothing; underwear, bra, two pair of socks, jeans, a blouse and a sweater. I wasn't even sure they matched and it really didn't matter if they did or not.

The steps I took to the bathroom were automatic. Turning on the shower, I stood with my back to the sink, and waited for the hot steam to coat the surface of the mirror. I made a conscience effort to never look at myself anymore. I couldn't. The last time I caught a glimpse, the girl starring back at me was a stranger, a ghostly worthless human.

A nothing.

I never wanted to see her again. She was weak. She wasn't enough. She was alone.

She was hopelessly and irrevocably in love.

In love with a ghost that would never come back to haunt her. Ever.

A tear slipped over the edge of my left eye, sliding down my cheek as I started to tremble.

_Stop it!_

I swiped it away, unintentionally slapping my own skin. Slowly I sloughed off my pajamas and stepped into the shower. The water was hot but not enough to ease my trembling. I stood for a moment clutching at my chest waiting for the tremors to subside as I wet my hair. I looked around for my shampoo. There were only two bottles in the shower, one was Charlie's and the other was something I didn't recognize.

"Where's my …"

_No. I can't use that anymore_.

I could barely stand to use the same toothpaste much less the same shampoo. It was odd how something so trivial could remind me of a time when I was so full of happiness. The fruity strawberry smell of the shampoo I had used for more years than I could remember was only a grim reminder of when I was someone…someone else, someone alive, someone happy beyond her wildest dreams.

I grabbed the unfamiliar bottle and then remembered Charlie had picked it up for me after he noticed the empty shampoo bottle in the trash. He had no idea I had poured its last remaining contents down the drain. Leave it to Charlie to buy something other than what I normally used. I didn't mind, in fact, I welcomed the change. I flipped the little spout open and poured the thick liquid into my palm. Watching the thick stream of liquid puddle into my outstretched hand brought back a memory I had been trying desperately to repress.

As the unfamiliar shampoo began to spread, I realized it held a color that at one time, I had associated with safety, it had been somewhat of a promise that no harm would befall me. It had meant love. A golden color. Topaz, butterscotch, caramel, honey, ocher – no adjective could do it justice or explain the paralyzing pain it caused for it was a blatant reminder of my only loves eyes. Not only his, but also the eyes of the family I missed so terribly. I gasped as a sob came from deep within me and slipped between my lips. He was not the only one missing from my life, he took with him my best friend and all the people who were more of a family to me than my own flesh and blood.

Slipping my hand under the water that rained down on me, I watched as it diluted the liquid gold and slowly rinsed it from my palm. Without looking, I grabbed the bottle and tossed it into the trashcan next to the toilet.

Taking Charlie's shampoo bottle down from the shower caddy I steadied it for a moment – it was clear and smelled like Charlie. It was safe. I poured a small amount into my hand, built it into a lather in my hair then rinsed it out. After shutting off the water, I grabbed my towel, stepped from the shower and hurriedly dried myself off. I wrapped another towel snuggly around my head. My hipbones seemed to stick out more than should be normal as I struggled to pull my underwear on over my still damp skin.

_I really have to eat something or Charlie will call Renée again and this time I won't be able to talk them out of shipping me off._

_Just a little toast. Maybe._

Struggling against my moist skin, I eventually managed to get the rest of my clothing on. I went back to my room and sitting on the floor, plugged in my blow dryer and began the arduous process of drying my hair. I spent at least twenty minutes drying it without looking in the mirror. I knew it had to be thoroughly dry before stepping outside on a day where the temperature could be somewhere below freezing. My hair had always been a great asset to me, I needed it. I needed to hide my face away from the world. It was my shield. It had helped me get through the first four days back at school. It blocked out the looks people gave me, but it did nothing for the whispered comments either snide or concerned.

Gathering my books from my desk, I went downstairs to the kitchen and dropped a slice of bread into the toaster. My mouth watered at the smell of it toasting as I waited for it to pop up.

_Maybe I really am hungry._

Pulling the bread from the toaster, I smeared on a little butter and took a small bite. My stomach twisted as I chewed, but I swallowed and took another bite anyway. After my second small bite, my stomach quickly let me know that was all I could eat. Feeling a little guilty for the waste, I tossed the rest of the toast into the trashcan.

Gathering my books once more, I walked out of the front door. The cold gray sky smelled of wood smoke from distant fireplaces. The snow was sticking around so far, but would cause no trouble for my senior citizen parked in the driveway. Stepping down from the porch, I could hear the snow crunching under my boots. I climbed into my truck, started the engine, feeling comforted in the loud familiar rumbling it made. Backing out of the driveway, I left my empty house behind.

When I pulled in to the parking lot, I noticed that I had gotten to school much too early. Again. Driving all the way up to the front, I parked as close as I could to the buildings in order to make a hasty retreat as soon as school was over. It was a plan that had worked out well the first four days of this week and I didn't see any reason to change my strategy.

With nothing left to do but wait until the bell rang, I pulled out my calculus book. I hated calculus, but it helped keep my thoughts focused. In the back of my mind, I felt the urge to look… to just glance over… there. To look over at the empty space where he had always parked his shiny silver car.

_Don't! There's nothing to see. He will never be there again._

The voice in my head could be very demanding at times and I was developing a tendency to listen to it quite a lot lately.

Time passed just as slowly as it did everyday since he left.

I heard cars pull in and park around my truck. Voices were very close by but none called out to me. Soon it was only minutes before the bell would ring for class so I closed my calculus book, grabbed my other textbooks and my keys. Opening my door, I slid out, slamming it hard behind me.

"Hey Bella!"

"Hi Tyler." My dead face didn't move.

"Hey Bella?"

_Oh God. It's a question. Smile, try. Really try, I need the job._

"Hi Mike." My face still didn't seem to co-operate.

"Are you still gonna work this weekend? I mean, ya know, if you still need some more time off my parents said it's okay."

"No, I'll be there." I couldn't hide in my house forever no matter how much I wanted to.

"Okay, well that's great then!"

"Yeah, sure." _You bet. What else would I do? Where else would I go?_

First period. I sat silently. Unmoving. Barely breathing. My hair covering my face and blocking out the world around me. I tried to listen.

Second period. Again, I sat, moving no more than to breathe in and out. I tried to pay attention and copied the notes from the board.

Third period. My mind drifted a little, out to a place surrounded by trees where the tall green grass swayed in the wind and the wild flowers held their faces up to the sun. I snapped back into the classroom just before the bell rang and managed to copy down the homework assignment that was due on Monday.

Fourth period. It was so much harder to concentrate. My mind kept wandering not to the beautiful place in the sun but to the cafeteria, to the table I would never sit at again. The table I was fortunate enough to share with him for a moment in time. An ordinary table that had already been taking over by a group of students who sat laughing and eating without a care in the world never knowing any of the conversations that had taken place as two other people occupied the space.

_Stop thinking about it!_

I kept my head down as I frantically blinked away tears that gathered in my eyes.

Lunch.

Waiting in line to buy food I would never eat seemed somewhat pointless, but if they didn't mind doing it day in and day out then neither should I. An apple and a carton of milk. I didn't even bother with a tray.

I sat down at the end of the table. The same table I had been invited to sit at my first day here. I didn't belong at this table anymore than I belonged at any other table, but I had nowhere else to go. I closed off the world, the growing noise in the cafeteria and fought the internal battle I kept hidden inside of me.

_Don't…don't…don't even think about it! Don't look there…_

"Hey Bella." Eric's voice was cautious.

"Hi Eric." No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep the dead tones from invading my speech.

"Hi Bella." Mike was even more cautious. He used to be so full of himself, but now he seemed to walk on eggshells around me. I couldn't blame him.

"Hi Mike." I met his eyes only for a second, just enough to see the concern in them.

He sat on the bench across from me as Eric took a seat next to me, but not too close. They talked as if I was not really there, never asking my opinion on anything and that was fine with me. They talked about something I knew nothing about, basketball. It was something I had never cared for much even when I did care about things outside of my self.

Then I heard other voices join the table. The first one greeted me as she did everyday.

"How are you doing, Bella?" I wasn't sure if Angela really expected me to answer her truthfully or not. She wasn't one to ask people how they were doing just to be polite. Since my first day in Forks, she had always been nice to me, always accepted me for who I was.

"I'm fine." It was a lie, and a bad lie at that.

Giggling high-pitched voices sailed across the room as they headed toward the table. Lauren and Jessica had become inseparable since Mike and Jessica's break-up. They rarely spoke to me or anyone else at the table anymore. They laughed and talked about boys, hair, clothes, and movies. I was invisible to them, which was fine with me. Everyone settled in for lunch talking, laughing, and eating.

Reluctantly I took a bite of my apple, it was mealy and flavorless, but I chewed and swallowed anyway. I sipped at the milk and it was not much more than cold.

"God, Bella! Why do you even bother coming to school?" Lauren's shrill voice rang down the table.

Everyone at the table became silent. Everyone except Jessica that is. She was busy trying to hide a fit of the giggles. I was too busy trying to fathom how anyone could be happy, much less have the giggles, to answer any questions asked of me. It was the first time someone had directed more than a few words in my direction in the whole week and when I finally processed the question, I knew I needed to leave, right then.

_I have to get out of here._

I tried to stand, and in my clumsiness, my hands bumped into the milk carton as I reached for my books, causing it to slide off the table and explode into a white puddle that spread rapidly on the floor. I tried to blink away the angry tears that filled my eyes.

"Bella you are such a klutz!" The words from Lauren's mouth cut at me. I had never let her bother me like this. What was wrong with me now?

"Shut up, Lauren!" As if he had come from nowhere, Mike was at my side grabbing my books off the table.

"It's okay, Bella, here." Angela handed me a wad of napkins. "I'll get some more." She ran off toward the lunch counter.

"Well she is, Mike!" I flinched at every one of Lauren's words. She kept babbling on and I tried to block her out, but I had no strength of mind.

Just then, Angela bent down next to me with a handful of napkins and helped me soak up the mess I had made. "Thanks Angela." I just barely whispered.

"No problem." I could tell she really meant it. I've noticed her looking at me all week. I knew she was concerned for me. She was the only friend who called my house every day while I was out. She had even come over a couple of times, but when Charlie asked me if she could come up to my room, I refused. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her, I just didn't want anyone to see me.

With Angela's help, the puddle of split milk was soon soaked up into the massive wad of soaking wet napkins. Still, Lauren was making snide comments and even though they were not directed at me any longer, I could hear every word.

"You're just as bad as she is Mike!"

"Just shut up, will ya?" Mike grumbled.

"Can't you take a hint, Mike?" I wondered how many more people Lauren would carve into with her sharp tongue today.

"I don't have a clue what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. You know exactly what I'm talking about!" Lauren was laughing now. Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard scraping at my brain. I did notice that I could no longer hear Jessica giggling. Lauren had touched a nerve in more than one person at the table. "She's never gonna go out with you, she doesn't even know you're alive…."

Mike snapped at her, "Shut up, Lauren!"

"… And why in the world you're waiting around for her to get over Edward Cullen is beyond me."

I strangled back a cry at the mere mention of his name. The gaping ragged hole created in my chest every night as I slept made its first waking appearance. Suddenly all the air in my lungs was completely sucked away by some unseen force.

"Bella, you know he was just using you don't you?" Lauren almost sounded apologetic.

Speech became impossible. I tried frantically to inhale even the smallest amount of air.

"Geez, Lauren!" Jessica giggled now that the attention was no longer on Mike.

My stomach clenched tightly and I could feel the small bite of apple and few sips of milk rising up. I was going to be sick. I tried to swallow down the excessive amounts of saliva that suddenly collected in my mouth. I gasped at the sheer pain that seized me as the hole ripped a little wider. I managed to pull in small rapid breaths, enough to keep me from fainting on the spot.

_Please, just let me get out of here before I fall apart._

Tears began to run down my face falling onto the napkins I was still pushing around mindlessly. A sob escaped my lips as Angela touched my arm.

"Bella, forget it, let's get out of here." She took the soaked napkins from my hand, stood, ran quickly to drop them in the nearest trash can and ran back before I could even pull myself up from the floor.

"The way she's carrying on you'd think he died. God, Bella! Go through the five stages of grief already!" I had always known Lauren could be cruel but I never knew to what extent her cruelty could go. Her words repeatedly stabbed into me like a rusty ice pick. Did she have any idea she was shredding the last remaining remnants of my heart? Another sob escaped me as I reached out and took hold of the table trying to pull myself up.

Angela was almost hissing, "Lauren how can you be such a heartless bit…." I grabbed her arm not only to quiet her but also to steady myself.

"Angela, please. She's not worth it." I whispered. What I really wanted to say was I'm not worth it. Not worth the trouble to defend. Not worth the trouble to fight for. Someone else had already proved that fact. Someone I thought really cared for me… someone I thought loved me as much as I love him.

I was such an idiot.

My stomach was still knotting and cramping uncontrollably. Again, I tried to swallow but it was useless, it wouldn't stay down. I needed to get out now. I tried to take my books from Mike's arms but he refused to let them go.

"It's okay Bella, I got 'em." I turned toward the exits and even though I desperately wanted to run, I didn't dare. I took each step slow and deliberate. My head was spinning, my vision was beginning to blur with the nausea that rolled ceaselessly in my stomach. Lauren was still mumbling something behind me but I didn't try to make it out. I didn't need to hear it. Nevertheless, I did hear the laughter that erupted from the table just before I stepped out into the cold and looked up at the gray colorless sky that plagued my life for the last few weeks. Jessica and Lauren had obviously found something funny to cackle like hens about.

I wanted to cry… I wanted to throw up… I wanted to run back inside and beat Lauren to a bloody pulp as I screamed in her face…

_Anger, Lauren! One of the five stages of grief!_

"Come on Bella. I am so sorry about that." Mike was apologizing for something that wasn't his fault at all. Shaking my head I realized he was leading me toward our next class, Bio. I could not go there. Not today.

_I can't. I can't sit at that empty table… by myself… next to his empty seat. I can't… stay here._

I stopped in my tracks and turned around heading for the parking lot.

_I'm going home_.

"Bella? Where are you going?" Mike's voice was full of confusion.

Angela rushed up to my side as I walked with purpose across the small campus toward the parking lot. "Bella, do you need to go to the nurse?"

Shaking my head frantically back and forth was all I could do as I kept up my pace toward my truck. I continued to swallow down what my wretched stomach was so eagerly trying to expel.

_What is wrong with me?_

"Do you want to go home?" Poor Angela. I felt horrible for letting her see me this way, unhinged, pathetic, but I nodded and then stopped. Turning around I could see Mike keeping up with a reluctant look on his face. I reached out and took hold of the books he was still carrying for me. There was no way I could look him in the face. I knew he had been embarrassed by what Lauren had said and I didn't want to cause him any more grief. My weak hands pulled at the books. He didn't seem to want to give them up but I tugged harder and he finally released them to me. In that short span of time, I had forgotten how heavy my textbooks had become, almost more than I could carry.

"You'll need to check out with the attendance office." Mike's hand reached out for me. I flinched away from his friendly gesture.

_Don't! Just don't …_

I couldn't imagine what my reaction must have looked like to Mike but it felt awful to me. I couldn't understand why I would flinch away from his touch. I was sure he didn't mean anything by it but I couldn't help it. I wanted to apologize but couldn't open my mouth for fear that the contents of my stomach would come pouring out. My eyes lifted to his and I hoped he could see how really sorry I was. How sorry I was that my friends had to see me this way.

Broken. Unworthy.

I turned and ran as the floodgate that had been holding back my tears burst open. Mike and Angela's running footsteps kept up easily behind me.

"Bella? Bella stop. Let me take you home. You can't drive like this." Angela was pleading with me and she was right, I couldn't drive like this. I also never wanted anyone to be a witness to the seemingly endless downward spiral I had lost myself to. I clutched my textbooks to my chest not only trying to hold down my lurching stomach but to stop the nightmare hole in my chest from ripping open any farther than it had already.

As I came within feet of my truck, I realized I needed my keys. In pulling them free from my pocket, I lost the fragile grip I'd had on my books and they fell from my arms onto the pavement next to my truck. I stumbled over them grabbing hold of the truck bed so I wouldn't fall on my face but that little stumble caused me to lose control of all that I was so desperately trying to hold inside.

My body broke out in an ice cold sweat and I violently vomited up the small bite of apple and few sips of milk I had managed to swallow. There was little else in my stomach that could come up. I just stood there holding onto my truck, dripping sweat and heaving until there was nothing left. I knew this could not possibly be a pretty sight for either Angela or Mike.

"Oh Bella!" Angela's gentle hand was on my back.

"I'll go get the nurse!" Mike turned but didn't get very far as I called him back.

"No, no!" I caught a breath. "Mike, please don't!"

"Bella, come on! You're sick for God sakes!" I could hear how lost he was in the situation but the last thing I needed was the nurse.

"I'll be fine now." It wasn't the first time I had lied to Mike and I was sure it wouldn't be the last. "Really, I'm feeling better already."

_Please just let me go home._

Angela pulled my keys from my hand. "Bella, let me drive you, okay?" I gave in and nodded feeling totally defeated.

Mike was already picking up my scattered books from the pavement as Angela walked me around to the passenger side. She unlocked the door with the key and then I saw the look on her face as she tried to help me up and into the cab.

"Ah, Mike, I can't drive a stick shift." She smiled a silly sort of grin. "Sorry, Bella, I never learned how." She shrugged her shoulders.

"It's okay." I stepped off the sideboard to walk around to the driver's side. "I really feel a lot better. I'll be fine." No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep the lifelessness from invading my voice.

"Toss me the keys. Angela. I'll drive." I heard my keys clink together as they sailed over the bed of my truck and jingle when they hit Mike's hands.

"Would you rather sit by the window… you know… just in case?" I was thankful Angela was still coming along for the ride. I nodded and she climbed in, scooted over and sat in the middle of the cab. She held out her hand to me as I got in and helped me up. When I was situated in my seat, Mike started up my truck, shifted into reverse and slowly backed out of the parking space as I roll down my window… just in case.

Mike shifted the truck into first gear and we all jerked forward suddenly as the engine died.

"Damn! Sorry about that!" Mike laughed, "I'm not used to your clutch."

I laughed – it sounded hysterical – not funny hysterical, more like a crazed lunatic's demented cry for help. It sounded as if I were losing a battle between sanity and madness. Angela's arm came around my shoulders and she tried to smile reassuringly. Mike started the truck again and we lurched forward at first but he managed not to pop the clutch a second time.

Laying my head on my arm, I let my hair stream out the window as the icy air cooled my flushed face. Closing my eyes, I drifted away to the roar of my truck engine.

The soothing engine noise died suddenly.

"Bella?" Angela's arm was squeezing my shoulders, trying to wake me. "Bella, you're home."

_Home._

I opened my eyes and reached for the door handle but Mike was already there outside opening it before I had the chance. He held out his hand to me and I gratefully took it this time. He helped me out, and then Angela slid out and took my arm walking me up the steps of the porch while Mike fumbled with my keys trying to unlock the door. Holding out my hand, I took the keys from him, easily turned the lock and opened the door.

I turned back trying to keep them from following me in. They needed to get back and would probably be in trouble for leaving school anyway.

"Thanks for bringing me home – I think maybe that milk was bad or something." I really tried to smile, to move my frozen face into something that could possibly looked as if I were grateful. "My stomach just seemed to get upset all of a sudden."

Mike's face turned to stone as he stood there looking at me. What had I said to cause such a reaction in him? His body tensed up and the fist of his right hand smashed against the doorframe making both Angela and I jump.

"Bella, what did Cullen do to you?" He all but yelled in my face.

"Mike!" Angela yelled back at him.

He lowered his voice but it still held all the anger behind it. "Did he do something to you? Did he hurt you?"

The ragged hole in my chest screamed 'yes' as I shook my head frantically, "No. Nothing." It came out as an extremely fragile whisper.

"Mike! Stop it! You're not helping." Angela pushed me into the house and followed right behind me.

"Fine!" He stormed off the porch, "I'm going back to school."

"Could you wait just a minute, please?" Angela asked nicely before moving into the house with me.

Mike's answer came to me inside the house, "Whatever." Angela came into the living room leaving the door open. I flopped down on the couch waiting for total exhaustion to set in on me. What else could I expect when I couldn't sleep or eat much of anything. Of course, everything would catch up to me in time, it was just a question of when.

"Bella, do you want me to stay until your dad gets home?" Angela sat down next to me on the couch never taking her eyes from me. Worry was written all over her kind face.

"No. I'm much better now, really." It was hard to believe that lying came so easily to me now. It seemed I could lie to anyone, even myself.

"Bella, look at me." Her voice was sweet and full of compassion. I let my eyes seek out her caring face. "There's a free clinic in Port Angeles. I'll go with you if you need me to. I could drive."

I sat staring at her. For some reason I couldn't fathom, she had totally lost me in the conversation. I had a doctor right here in Forks and I had already seen him more times than I wanted to lately. "I don't need to go to the doctor, my stomach feels fine now." Still, her expression softened as she took my hand in hers.

"I promise I would never tell anyone." Her voice was very sincere but I was still confused by her meaning. "Bella… is there a possibility that you may be pregnant?"

Was she joking… trying to lighten an otherwise all-around depressing situation? I sat starring at her open mouthed wondering when the punch line would come or if I had missed it. Her expression changed to something so sad it tore at me to look at her.

"Oh, Bella." The tears I witnessed forming in her eyes broke my silence. She was dead serious. She actually believed that I might be pregnant. I wondered briefly if that was what everyone thought. If that was what my own dad might be thinking. The dark fog I had been swimming in inside my head lifted long enough to allow me to answer my friend.

"No, Angela, it's not like that." I tried to sound stronger than I felt.

Angela looked into my eyes, "Are you sure? Absolutely positive? You know it can happen even if it was only one time. You never… ?"

"No, Angela, we never… " _He never touched me. I wasn't worth the risk. I was just a foolish fragile human girl._

My face was sinking back into the dead mask that had covered it for the last few weeks. Angela still held my hand, looking at me with her compassionate eyes.

"Mike's waiting. You'd better get back to school." I wondered if the sound of my own voice could possibly be any bleaker, any more utterly hopeless.

"I can call your dad if you want?" She released my hand and stood from the couch.

"Angela, I swear, I'm fine. It's just been… hard." Angela was the only one I could confess that small truth to. The only one I knew who would keep my suffering secret. She walked slowly to the still open front door.

"Bella, will you promise me something?"

I nodded my head but inside I was begging, '_No more promises, please!'_

"Don't do anything… you know… stupid after I leave, okay?"

A very similar question echoed in my head from a dark night almost two weeks ago.

_Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?_

My head nodded up and down just as helplessly as it had when _he_ asked me that question. "I promise." It was another promise I could easily keep. There was nothing left of me but the promises I had made. But, what good were promises made by someone who was so pathetic?

From outside the door we heard Mike's impatient yell, "Angela! Are you coming or not?"

Angela looked out of the door and yelled back, "I'll be right there!" She turned and gave me a quick hug. "Mike's a nice guy but he can be real jerk sometimes." She released me and stepped back with a grin on her face. Her smile seemed to give me a glimmer of hope that someday I would be able to smile once again. I wanted so badly to return her grin, for her friendship and for her kindness, but there was nothing of me to give.

"Go ahead. I'll be fine." I could at least try to make my voice sound not so bleak, not so… dead, even if I knew in my heart it wouldn't last one second after she left my porch.

"Call me if you need anything, day or night. I mean it! Okay?"

"Sure, thanks, Angela." She walked out onto the porch. Mike was busy kicking gravel around at the edge on the road and looked up just in time to catch me watching him. At first glance, his expression was one of anger and then it softened to something that looked like pity as he shook his head. Slowly I shut the front door.

I wandered into the kitchen for no particular reason and sat down hard in one of the kitchen chairs. Pulling my knees up, I rested my chin on them and sat holding myself that way as the minutes ticked by. The dark fog that had settled in my brain seemed to have been swept away leaving only a gray colorless empty space in its wake. I closed my eyes and drifted off into a welcomed dreamless sleep.

Suddenly I was startled out of my nap by the shrill ringing of the phone. I jumped up and grabbed it just wishing to stop the noise from invading my head any longer. Out of nothing but habit, I brought the receiver to my ear and said hello.

"Isabella Swan?" I didn't recognize the voice on the other end.

"Yes. Who is this?"

"Oh! It's Mrs. Cope hun. Are you okay? I heard something upset your stomach at lunch. You know you're really supposed to check out with me here in the office before you leave campus." Angela or Mike must have let her know I had become ill and left.

"I know and I'm sorry but…"

"Okay, well, just remember next time." She sounded relieved just to hear my voice on the line. "I'll call your dad and let him know you went home sick. I know he's been really worried about you lately. Take care of yourself and we'll see you on Monday. Bye hun." With a tiny click, she was gone. After setting the phone back into its cradle I turned to face the empty kitchen.

_I know he's been really worried about you lately._

Did everyone in this dreary little town know what happened that night, the night he left me behind and disappeared in to the darkness?

Another echo from my not so distant past came back to haunt me once more. It wasn't his voice exactly, only what I remembered him to sound like, not much more than the voice of a ghost.

_I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him._

I had made a promise for Charlie's sake if not for my own. So far, I hadn't even kept that simple pledge, to be here for my dad. That would have to change. I had made a promise.

I walked over to the refrigerator and pulled the door open. Surveying the meager contents I managed to find something I could cook up for dinner, not that I would eat any, but Charlie would appreciate it. I swore to myself that I would at least try to pretend to be here, to be in the present, to behave as if I were a living breathing human being. My blatant wallowing in self-pity would have to stop. I would do it for Charlie. At least he would be able to go to bed at night believing I was getting over what happened.

But I knew differently. I would crawl into my bed each night terrified to fall asleep, but at the same time praying the darkness would come take me away and give me one more chance to be with him, even if it were in the most horrible of nightmares.


	2. Chapter 2

The Absence of Light

Edward's Purpose

I sat there in the vacant room with the smell of fresh paint and clean carpet all around me, but no amount of cleaning and painting could cover her luscious scent. It was here in this house where she grew up, where she had left her footprint, her one singular fragrance upon the very wood, concrete and stucco of this little house. The scent that caused every vampire instinct I possessed to react as if I had not fed in a thousand years instead of two weeks.

But I was so thirsty. Just being in this house surrounded by her sweet essence brought out my hunger that much more. I was afraid that no matter how much I loved her, in my present state, if she were to walk through the door, I would take her before she had a chance to blink and it would be so sweet. Bittersweet, and though I could never follow her, I would be forced to find an end to my own miserable excuse for a life very soon after.

For the first time in my existence, I didn't remember how I came to be somewhere. I had driven well over 6000 miles, just wandering mindlessly before ending up in front of her childhood home. I remembered winding mountain passes, long stretches of desolate road and crowded freeways, but didn't really remember making the conscience decision to come here, to find the house that had once been the happy home of my beloved Bella.

When I had arrived in Phoenix, I found myself driving past what I had expected to be a vacant lot where the dance studio had stood until Emmett and Jasper had burned it to the ground. What I found was that life had gone on. A new dance studio had already risen from the ashes and was in full operation. I drove slowly past and then down the few blocks to Bella's old house.

A 'For Sale' sign was posted in front yard with a notice that the price had just been reduced. Pulling my car over to the curb directly in front of what used to be her home, I sat back and waited for the sun to set in less than an hour.

Just driving through this desert metropolis, reminders of her flashed in front of me like neon signs, Bella Italian Restaurant, Bella Day Spa and Salon, Swan Dry Cleaners. I could picture her here in this valley of the sun. The smell of the creosote bushes came back to me before I even entered the city. Just as the first time I had caught their scent, I wondered how their unique pungent odor could possibly be such a comfort to her. It must have reminded her of home, the place she grew up and spent so many happy years ignorant in the knowledge that out in the world lurked inhuman sadistic bloodthirsty demons along with their ferocious enemies. Enemies she knew nothing about, as yet, and probably never would now that the vampires had left Forks. It would have been better for both of us if she had never left this place, or if she had gone on to continue her life in the sun of another state on the other side of the country from the place that I had once called my comfortable home.

After sunset, I managed to force my way into the house without too much damage to the back kitchen door. Walking slowly through every room, I finally settled in a corner of what was once her bedroom. The first night alone in her room, I tried not to give in and curl into a quivering mass, but in the end that was exactly what I did. I relinquished my control and sobbed uncontrollably for hours. I pushed every thought from my head that threatened to intrude and dilute my memories of her.

Did I have no pride, no shame? How could I ever deny all that I feel for her? How could she so easily believe I didn't want her?

It had seemed so clear to me at the time, what I had to do—I only wished I didn't feel as though I had just made the most horrendous mistake in leaving her. I wished I could go to her, take back all the lies I told her, wrap my arms around her soft warm body and kiss her tender lips, lie next to her and whisper how much I love her a thousand times. I would never be any closer to Heaven than I was while in her presence.

But, I was a coward. I couldn't find the courage in myself to admit I may be wrong. That there may be another way we could be together. I refused to listen to Alice. I wouldn't even let her thoughts or visions of what still could possibly be intrude on what I felt was the only option left to me, to Bella.

I was also a thief. I had stolen Bella's innocence, opened her eyes to a terrifying world that may forever haunt her dreams. By leaving, I was giving back the chance that she may continue on—to heal—to forget and eventually fall in love with a normal human male. Someone who could give her the things I never could. Someone who could touch her without the fear of breaking every bone in her fragile body, could make love to her in the ways I could never even allow myself to imagine, give her children, a long normal life and then grow old with her.

Compared to all those wonderful human things, I had nothing to offer her and I had only fooled myself into thinking that I did.

However, I would never know if or when she would meet the next man of her dreams. I would never see her again, ever. I had forbid Alice to spy on her, to watch her future and most importantly, I had forbid her to tell me what she saw.

If I ever saw her in the arms of another man, I knew what I would do, I would kill him without hesitation and in doing so, I would break her heart all over again. Even though she would have done exactly as I had asked and hoped by moving on, I would still love her as intensely as I love her now. The passage of time would not alter the way I feel and no amount of time would ever heal my self-inflicted wounds.

I had been sitting in the corner of Bella's bedroom for almost three days now. My hunger burned stronger with each breath I took in this house. I lost myself in my memories of her and sat motionless drowning in them uninterrupted by any realtors who may want to show the house to prospective buyers and pity them if they did come, for I wasn't sure I could resist or if I would even try.

I didn't sleep, but I could sit and focus all my energy on her and it was the closest to dreaming that I would ever come. When I closed my eyes, everything about her became so clear. If I only reached out my hand, I almost believed I could stroke her warm delicate skin.

I must have come here for a reason though, it had escaped me. My mind was clouded from hunger and my emotions constantly flipped from overwhelming sadness to anger to questioning my own sanity, which was much too disturbing. Maybe I came here searching for answers to the many questions I could never ask. What was it about her that brought to life the man that lay hidden inside of me? How could she possibly understand or have any concept at all of the depth of my love for her? Would I never stand at her door listening to her footsteps as she ran down the stairs just to throw herself into my waiting arms? Would I never again hear her voice anywhere but inside my own head?

No. I promised. I would never haunt her again.

I glanced out the window across from me. There had been thundershowers during the night and the dark clouds had not left yet. It rained on and off, sometimes a downpour. Other times only a spattering of drops here and there. I needed to leave this place, to hide myself in some other dark dismal hole where her fragrance could never reach me.

I stood, walked toward the window and looked out onto the yard where she grew up as a child. Would it be raining in Forks? Would there be a freak snowfall? Would the sun be shining down warming her pale skin with its burning light?

She would be at school now, close to the end of fourth period. Then, heading off to the cafeteria to sit down to lunch with her friends, her normal human friends. People who would never crave her blood above all else, who would grow, mature and age, go off to college or their other mundane lives without ever hurting her the way I had.

There was no other choice. I had to leave.

The pain of almost losing her to another vampire, a member of my own family, was far more than I could ever bear. I didn't blame Jasper, I couldn't. It's who we are, what we are, our very nature. No matter how much I loved her, eventually I would have succumbed to it and taken her life myself. It was inevitable.

Alice knew it. She saw it every day. After seeing it in her mind the first time, I refused to allow her to share any other visions with me that pertained to Bella joining our family. However, she had convinced the other members of our family it would eventually come to pass.

Even though I knew the dangers, I had opened my heart to Bella—let her in—dropped every guard and defense I had carefully put in place. Pretended to be someone I could never be, have something I could never have.

I was an idiot.

More than that, I must have been insane. I let myself believe she could actually care for me, love me in her human way, but how could she? Humans couldn't feel love the way my kind did, couldn't really feel something like love toward someone as repulsive as the murderer that hid inside of this stone shell. I was a soulless creature of the night. Without Bella's life force giving me reason to carry on, without her limited capacity for love to save me from the darkness that threatened to take me over, it was as if a great gaping black hole had opened in my chest and sucked every shred of happiness I ever felt into it's dark oblivion.

After announcing my decision to my family, I knew I could no longer live with them. I was not the only one who had become accustomed to her presence. They too, felt love for her. Their minds constantly focused on Bella and the possibility that she and I may still share some type of life together. Their sadness was more overwhelming than I could have ever anticipated. I knew that they had considered her as part of our family already and for me to ban them from seeing her and now even thinking of her was harder on them than I had thought it would be. How could one human girl have such an effect on a family of vampires?

Alice was the only one who dared go against my wishes by trying to discuss the only other option to keeping Bella safe. Her constant visions were unbearably tempting to peek into, but more than that, they made me feel something I had never felt before, hopelessness. I could only have Bella with me if she became one of us and that I would never do. I could never damn her to this dark life and for that reason alone, we had left.

The last time I saw my family, I was yelling at the top of my lungs at them and for that I still felt horrible. It may have been the last time I would ever see them and to leave them with that last memory of how out of control I had become was unthinkable. Still, because of my shame, I hadn't made an attempt to contact any of them. Poor Alice took the brunt of my raving and stood her ground as I roared in her sweet face…

She stood in my room refusing to pack as I haphazardly threw things into a large duffle bag, when she grabbed my hands forcing me to look at her…

"_Edward, please, there is another way!" She pleaded._

"_No! We are leaving and nothing you have seen will change my mind!"_

"_But this is so ridiculous and you know it! You've seen the same vision, it will happen sooner or later."_

"_I will not debate this with you, Alice."_

"_But it would be so easy… you would have nothing to fear." She had tried to hold my hands tenderly, looking for any sign that I would give in. "Carlisle would never…"_

_I ripped my hands from hers as I hissed in her face, "I have not denied my own burning thirst or saved her from eternal damnation just so another vampire could take her life!"_

"_Why are you fighting this, Edward?"_

"_Get out!" I hissed as I stared down into her golden eyes._

"_I will not! She will join this family, Edward, whether…" The look in her eyes when I grabbed her by the arm was nothing short of defiance._

"_You will not speak of this again, do you understand?" I snarled._

"_I thought you loved her." She spat back at me._

_Looking down at her small arm clutched in my hand, feeling so much like the monster I am, it took everything I had to admit just how much I truly, deeply loved Bella. "More than you will ever know." I released her arm praying that she would leave me in peace._

"_I have also seen what will happen if we leave, and it's no way for you to live, for either of you." Her voice was trembling. Nevertheless, I felt nothing but anger._

"_If you haven't noticed, Alice, I don't live my life by your visions." My voice was so cold, colder than it had ever been toward the tiny beauty that stood before me and at that moment she knew the likelihood that we would ever see each other again was very slim at best. She knew but refused to believe it._

"_Yes… you do." Her trembling whisper was soft, her amber eyes all knowing. _

Standing in the forest behind Bella's house, every word that poured from my mouth was a lie. Every word except the ones that proclaimed I would always love her. After all the truths I had told her she took in every word as gospel, believing every lie that spewed forth. I might as well have repeatedly slapped her face with my hand as hit her with my words.

"_Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

"_You … don't … want me?"_

"_No."_

"_You're not good for me, Bella."_

Her deep brown eyes had taken on a dead look. I was prepared to see tears flood from her eyes, but as usual, she never ceased to amaze me. Not one tear was shed. It seemed that I had shocked her so badly, she wasn't even able to cry. After all that, I had the nerve to ask her for a favor, to not do anything reckless or stupid. I was the one who put her in that position! She was in danger every second I was within a hundred miles of her. I was the one being reckless and stupid by just being around her. I had exposed my whole family to her, broken the law!

Then, I walked away. Walked away from the only love I would ever know.

No, I didn't walk, I ran.

Ran at the speed of light because I knew if I had stayed one second longer I would have changed my mind. I would have scooped her up and run with her. Run to the ends of the earth to keep her safe. Nevertheless, with me she would forever be in danger if not from one of my kind, then from me. I ran away from her, and in trying to wipe my existence from her tiny world, I left a huge part of myself there with her. Stashed under the floorboards of her bedroom where I could always be near her, at least until she went off to live the rest of her normal happy human life.

She may be free of me, but I would be forever lost to her.

I was beginning to understand the gravity of my situation. Now that I had known love, known joy and a small amount of happiness, known that there was something more than this lonely solitary life, I had to fight every second to keep from going back to her. To beg on my knees for forgiveness. Even if I went back now, I could never undo the damage my lies had done. I had betrayed her in the worst way possible.

Lost to my misery, the faint sound of a key turning in the lock of the front door barely registered until it was almost too late. I stood and silently stepped across the carpet to the edge of the door. Standing in the front doorway was a woman, alone, shaking out an umbrella and folding it up before stepping inside onto the tile of the foyer. Her scent wafted toward me on the slight muggy breeze that swept through the door and down the short hallway. I heard more voices coming up the walkway toward the door. I could make out five distinct voices, one male, one female and… three small children.

Though I was so famished from not hunting in the last two weeks, their arrival was no more than an annoyance to me. They had disturbed my grieving and their combined happy thoughts only irritated me to the point where I wanted to shout out my presence in an attempt to send them running in fear back to their cars.

But, I held my tongue and backing away from the door and their voices, I silently opened the bedroom window, pushed out the screen and crawled out leaving the house behind. I was in my car and traveling down the street at top speed before the realtor had even closed the front door behind them. Glancing at my gas gauge I realized I would need to stop before getting too far out of town.

On the utmost outskirts of town, I finally pulled over to fill the tank with gas. I stood leaning against my car measuring the time I had been away from my beautiful Bella… twelve days, 21 hours, countless minutes and seconds since I had last seen my beloved's exquisite face or smelled her sweet intoxicating floral scent on the slight breeze that sifted through the trees behind her house.

In all that time, I hadn't hunt, I had not fed. I was dangerously pushing my limits. I didn't need to look in a mirror to know that my eyes would be dark bottomless black pits of hunger. Anything or anyone, for that matter, to cross my path would be in serious danger. I would have to seek out some source of food in the desert when nightfall came, maybe a coyote, but I would settle for a rabbit if that were all that crossed my path. It wouldn't be much, but it would have to do until I could find larger, more filling prey.

Off in the distance I heard another car coming down the deserted road. My ears picked up the fact that it didn't sound right, the smooth sound of the engine was constantly interrupted by a nasty sounding knock. I watched as it pulled up and parked next to the side of the building. A dark blue Audi, very similar to the one I had pictured for Bella. A nice little car, fast, good gas mileage, easy and fun to drive. She would have hated it only because it would have been an expensive gift. However, nothing would have pleased me more than to give it to her.

As the thick dark clouds that threatened more rain moved slowly overhead, I looked down the road that stretched out ahead of me, not wanting to see the driver as she got out of her car. Not wanting to be tempted in any way by the sight of her even though her thoughts drifted through my mind.

_I can't believe this! The one time I forget my cell phone… just so unbelievable!_

Her fragrance wafted toward me on the wind, a sweet spicy cinnamon and earth smell hit my nose for just a second before she rounded the corner of the building out of the path of the breeze. I inhaled it, tasted it in the back of my already burning throat…

_Nothing like Bella's but… still so tempting._

It stirred up my ravenous hunger, and then… it was gone.

_Stop it. Don't think about it. Don't look at her. She is not Bella._

Hearing her sandals scuff across the gravel parking lot, I couldn't stop my head from turning in her direction. I watched with hungry eyes as she pulled the door of the station's convenience store open and stepped inside.

I was immediately struck by the color of her hair. It was so close to the dark mahogany brown that surrounded Bella's perfect face, though a bit shorter. My eyes quickly traveled down her form before the door slid shut. She was wearing a lime green short-sleeved blouse and denim shorts. She stood at about he same height as Bella, but her hips were a little fuller as were her legs. Her flesh was tanned, but only a few shades darker than Bella's pale translucent skin.

Not really wanting to, but unable to make myself stop, I continued to stare at the door waiting for her to come out just to catch a glimpse of her face. Would she have any resemblance to my beloved?

It doesn't matter. Just fill the tank and leave. Leave before I do something …

My sensitive ears picked up the conversation that was taking place inside the store…

"Hi, do you have a payphone I could use?"

"Nope, it's busted."

"Oh, well, something's wrong with my car so is there any way I could use your phone to call for a tow truck."

"Nope. Can't do that."

"But, I …"

"Sorry, lady, but I can't. Why don't you ask that guy out there if he's got a cell phone?"

Her frustrated thoughts came to me …

_Oh come on! I can't believe this guy! Like I'm going to walk up to a total stranger and ask to use his phone. I'm just calling triple A for heaven's sakes!_

Just then, she stepped through the door and my twisted brain formed the features of her face into the familiar countenance of the my only love…

Bella…?

I knew my eyes betrayed my questioning thought as the face of the stranger looked directly at me. Her light colored eyes caught mine for just one second before she lowered her head and began to walk toward her car.

_Stop being afraid of your shadow and just go ask him. It's not like he's gonna bite you._

With that one small thought, cold hysterical laughter threatened to erupt from deep within me. Though no sound escaped my lips, a red-eyed monster was laughing maniacally inside.

_Yes, you should be afraid._

I felt as if I were being torn in two as the part of me that had already sunk into a deep state of despondency found it heartrendingly ironic that such a thought should cross her mind.

My eyes followed her every movement as she continued to walk toward her car. Just then, as she stepped past the corner of the building, the breeze picked up her scent and blew it my way once more.

Against my better judgment, I greedily inhaled her earthly cinnamon fragrance and the taste as it flowed over my tongue hit me even harder than before. The venom that flowed into my mouth did nothing to dispel the fire that had blazed up even hotter in my throat. I had reached my limit, gone too long without filling my body with what I needed. I was beyond simple hunger or thirst… I was starving.

I stood staring at her as all my vampire instincts began to take control. Suddenly, the handle from the gas pump shut off automatically, startling me back to the moment. She stopped in front of her car, stood with her back to me, her arms crossed in front of her.

_Just get over it already._

Her thought was so out of context I wasn't at all sure what she was thinking about.

Wrenching my eyes from her, I reached around, removed the nozzle from my gas tank and placed it back in its cradle on the pump. Turning to replace my gas cap, I could hear her light footsteps as they moved over the gravel and turned to see that instead of staying near her car, which was the safest place for her, she was in fact heading directly to the spot where I stood, frozen, watching her approach.

No, please, don't come near me. Just get in the car. Now!

Her eyes nervously looked at her surroundings until she was within only a few paces from where I stood. Her thoughts were filled with annoyance at the store clerk until she was close enough to brave looking directly at my face. Unfortunately, she was too preoccupied with what she wanted from me to sense the real danger she was in. However, the second her eyes locked onto mine, she began to falter for words.

"Hi, I…" Her breath caught as she stared at my face. _Oh my gosh…his eyes_…

"Can I help you?" _What are you doing?_

"I… I was wondering if you have a cell phone I could borrow for a minute. There's something wrong with my car and I just need to call for a tow." A beautiful pink blush pooled slowly into her cheeks with each word she spoke. "The guy behind the counter won't let me use his." She pointed back toward the store.

I fought the urge to reach out and touch her flushed cheek with my fingertips. Looking into her eyes, I realized they were completely different from Bella's dark warm pools of liquid brown. This girl's eyes were a deep clear azure blue and with only a few feet between us, her scent sank into me, filling me with her spicy exotic aroma. Nothing at all like Bella's sweet floral fragrance, but… still so very hard to resist.

A battle between right and wrong brewed within my head and my body.

_No. Just say no. Get in the car and drive away…now. Don't look at her. Just get away._

I tried to will my body to move. To turn my face from her or at the very least close my eyes and stop breathing, but my body refused to listen. I felt the muscles in my face loosen and curve upward on their own.

Oh please don't! Don't do this!

But, I did.

I smiled a most dazzling smile and watched as her eyes glazed over slightly. With that smile, the part of me that fought so desperately to not succumb to my vampire instincts and desires had lost.

I would take her.

"Absolutely." My lips moved and a silky hypnotic voice emanated from me. As my brain screamed at me to stop, to look away, my hand reached into my pocket, withdrew my phone and held it out to her. Her eyes drifted down to the little silver device in the middle of my palm, somewhat breaking the spell I had put on her.

_It's just a phone._ She thought as she took in a ragged breath. "Thank you." Her hand seemed to move in slow motion as she took the phone, flipped it opened and stood with her eyes fixed on the little screen before remembering something important.

_The number? I need the number._ "I need the number. My card is in the car." It was if she were speaking to herself. Then her eyes drifted slowly back up to mine. Once again, my smile caught her off guard and lowered all her defenses to my charms. Still my internal battle raged on…

Don't follow her. Let her make her call and leave. Just don't follow her!

However, the pain of my thirst was so overwhelming, so debilitating, I seemed to have no control whatsoever over the monster that I had kept hidden for so long. I would follow her every step of the way whether I wanted to or not.

She turned and walked slowly, moving almost in a trance-like state toward her car and I followed silently behind her, watching her, smelling her, needing to taste her and fill the agonizing emptiness inside, desperately wanting to ease the excruciating pain that steadily grew within my chest.

Her keys jingled merrily in her hand as she reached the passenger side door. Just as she turned to place her key in the lock, my body took total control of my actions and I attacked. Pushing her back against the wall I pressed my stone cold body along hers relishing the feel of her warmth through my clothing. She was so fragile, so weak as she struggled hopelessly against my preternatural strength, only increasing my insatiable need to take her that much more.

Her mouth came open in an attempt to scream, but I looked into her eyes, locking her in my gaze, dazzling her into submission once more.

Please…

"Shhh." I whispered and she immediately obeyed. Her deep clear blue eyes glazed over as I used my power to the fullest to calm and subdue her.

Venom continued to flow into my mouth as my empty stomach ached to be filled, to feel her sweet innocent blood flow over my tongue and down my throat, to drown my sorrow in what would pour so easily from her.

I caged her between my arms as I braced my forearms against the rough stucco wall.

"Close your eyes." I whispered. Her blue eyes spoiled the illusion I was so desperately trying to create. The illusion of Bella pressed against my body, wanting me as much as I wanted her.

She did as I commanded. Lacing my fingers in her soft hair, I closed my eyes and held the face of my beloved in my mind. I traced the features of the girls face with my icy thumbs pretending she was my only love, that I could feel her smooth velvet-like skin once more. Moving one hand lower to her neck, I tilted her head ever so slightly to the side exposing the length of her soft throat to my teeth.

Leaning in closer, I breathed in her sweet earthy cinnamon aroma as my nose traveled across her cheek to her neck where I could feel the heat of her thick blood pulsing frantically under her flesh. My power had wiped her mind of all thought, she was a blank canvas, frozen, not able to form a single thought even of fear, though her body seemed to know how to react on it's own as it shuddered under my cold touch. Her scent had become richer, but not overwhelmingly so.

Why I had given in to my instincts was beyond any comprehension. I should have been able to resist her without much effort but…I was so thirsty, so hungry, so wanting…

So out of control.

My teeth would pierce her tender flesh and sink deep into the vein flooding my mouth and body with a taste I had denied myself for far too many years.

_Just this one time and then …What? I'll get it out of my system? The craving for what I desire above all else will be gone? Just this one and I'll go back to living the way I have for so many years? No! This one innocent girl will not be the end! _A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I tried to justify my actions. _But… What would it matter? _

What difference would it make if I were to take what I so desperately desired, what I needed? With this girl's death, I knew I could never face Carlisle or any other member of my family again. I was weak and nothing more than a bloodsucking monster. I also knew that the blood of this human girl would never quench the fire that had burned in me for the last 8 months. Would never abate the flames of hunger and desire that caused me physical pain from the moment I met Bella Swan and each second after. This girl's innocent blood would only ease my hunger, but never my pain. Only one person in the world possessed what I needed to end my miserable suffering, and it was not only her blood, but also her love that I needed.

I brushed my lips over the strangers' soft skin picturing only Bella's face in my mind, wishing the scent that enveloped me at that very moment were hers and hers alone. Bella's beautiful features changed before my closed eyelids. The angelic face in my mind suddenly became a grimacing mask of pain. A sob rose up and escaped me as I saw the tears that ran in streams down her pale cheeks.

Suddenly, I heard my tiny cell phone vibrate within the girls clenched fist. I ripped it from her palm before it had finished the first set of vibrations. In this hesitation, I heard her mind come back to her and two desperate words passed my ear in a faint whisper…

"Please…don't"

My head snapped up, my eyes locking on hers—her azure eyes stared at me, open and filled with cold terror. Her tears had begun to fall and drip from the edge of her chin spilling onto her blouse. Reflected in her blue eyes was the mask of a fiend, someone I had buried so carefully for so many years. The face of the monster Bella had seen on her first day in Forks. Recoiling from the sight of her horrified face, I stumbled back against her car, wrapping my arms around my waist as my empty stomach cramped with such force I crumpled to my knees.

What is wrong with me?

My phone vibrated once more in my hand, barely shaking me from my paralyzing pain. With trembling fingers, I grabbed the door of the Audi and pulled myself up. Sensations I had not felt in months took hold of me, frightening me beyond belief. The last time I remembered feeling this way I was in this very city, kneeling down next to the broken and bloody body of my beloved Bella.

Scenes of that horrible day flashed through my head at lightning speed. What James had done to Bella was torture. Nevertheless, any form of torment was still torture, which, in my ravenous state was exactly what I had just done.

No! I can't…

Visibly shaking, I stood trying to stop my head from spinning dizzily, and with the dizziness came the feeling that if there had been anything in my stomach it would have spewed from my mouth at that very moment.

Petrified against the wall, frozen with fear, the girl stood unable even to cry out, but her thoughts raced through my head, piercing my brain in their frantic urgency…

Please don't…please don't…please don't

Her heart was pounding like the beating of a drum in my ears. Her breath was not much more than a racing pant. Looking into her face, I could see how much I had frightened her.

I could smell it on her. I had done this.

I didn't need to bite her to kill her, I had scared her almost to death. I was no better than any other human animal that would attack her in a darkened alley. Though I would never rape her body in the sexual sense of the word, I would have raped her soul. In that sense, I was no better than James was.

_This is not me. This is not who I am. What happened to the man who is so hopelessly and irrevocably in love? The man who ran from that love to avoid the darkness of this very temptation?_

"I'm so sorry." The words fell from my mouth with the utmost sincerity and remorse, but they were lost on her ears.

I raced to my car not caring in the least that she or anyone else might have seen me—with the speed in which I moved, it would only look as if I had disappeared in front of her eyes. I started the Vanquish and peeled out into the wet deserted street, the back end of my car fish tailing dangerously on the slick surface of the highway.

Driving north until I reached a desolate remote area, I pulled my car over to the side of the road, spraying gravel out into the scrub. Sliding out of the leather seat, I fell to my knees once again and yelled to the gray clouds and colorless sky…

"BELLA!"

I surrendered to my pain, to the endlessness of my broken heart, to the glorious sadness that crushed me. I surrendered to the realization that I would never be free, I would forever and always love her beyond all time and space and as long as I existed, I would never love another. If I searched from now until the sun burned this pitiful planet to a cinder, I would never find her equal and… I would never try.

Falling back against my car, I sat down on the hard gravel.

Why am I still here? What is left for me when I am nothing without her?

Again, I contemplated all the reasons why I could never go back to her, why I could never be within the same state. My presence would draw monsters to her like a magnet. Not only the ancient monsters and their minions from across the sea, but other monsters she had no idea existed along side us.

Once more, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and stared at the name…_Alice_. She would have seen the whole scenario played out in her mind. She would have seen my head long plunge from grace to the deepest depths of my own personal hell.

"Leave me alone, damn it." I snarled at the tiny phone in between sobs. "It won't happen again so stop watching me." I growled as I threw the phone over my shoulder through the open door of my car.

I couldn't go home, I had no home to go to now. My family had retreated to Denali, to Tanya's home as I had asked, but I couldn't join them there. In leaving my beloved Bella behind, I chose this life of solitude. I would not burden my family with my loneliness, my hopelessness.

I sat in the gravel on the side of the road with the sickening odor from the creosote bushes penetrating my nose and throat. It was so much stronger after the rain, a nasty thick odor of pine and tar that seemed to coat the inside of my throat. I stood, brushed myself off and climbed back into my car, slamming the door much harder than necessary. My cell phone was vibrating once again and I wondered how many miles I could travel before wanting to pitch it out the window and disappear from my family without a word forever.

Reaching around the passenger seat, I found my phone. Flipping it open, Carlisle's name flashed on the screen. Would Alice use his phone as a ploy knowing I would think twice before ignoring a call from him? Still, it would give me a chance to explain why I had not joined them and why I would most likely stay as far from them as possible. I knew I would break Esme's heart even more than I already had, but Carlisle would understand and welcome me back when and if I ever drifted into their lives again. I would promise to keep in touch by phone and to never be without it in case of an emergency, something so unforeseen that they would feel the need to get in touch with me. But the thought of being in their presence, of being within any distance where their thoughts could invade my mind or tempt me to listen, was something I didn't know if I could ever do again.

My thumb slid over and pressed the little green send button, then I held it to my ear and spoke rapidly not wanting to let whomever was on the other end to speak until I had my say.

"I'm sorry, but I can't join you yet. I need some time to myself, to …"

"Victoria was here!" Alice's frightened voice rang loud and clear over the little earpiece. "She was here and now she's gone! We have to go back to Forks and take Bella away. We have to protect her!"

Rage and fear I had not felt since James had attacked my beloved coursed through me. Though I really didn't wish to know the details of Bella's death, I needed to hear every one of them so I may have a chance, how ever slim, to save her life once more from one of my kind.

"What have you seen?" I put my car in gear and pulled onto the road flooring the accelerator. There was silence on the line. "Alice?" My stomach twisted in fear. Was it so horrible that she was afraid to tell me? Was I already too late to save my precious Bella?

"I haven't seen anything… yet. My visions of Bella are cloudy. I swear I haven't been trying to see her Edward, but when I do catch glimpses of her, I can't really see anything. I… just have a really bad feeling."

"Which way was Victoria headed?" I waited and again there was silence from Alice's end.

"I don't know." She sighed sounding completely defeated.

It was the last thing I had expected to hear come from Alice's lips. _I don't know_. Instead of feeling as confused as Alice, I only became angry.

"What the hell do you mean you don't know? Damn it, Alice! Do you have the slightest clue how hard this is for me? Can you for just one second understand how horrible I feel, how completely dead I am inside? How I wish every second that passes were my last?" I heard her gasp and begin to sob.

"Edward, please don't say that."

_Oh God! Do I really feel that way? Do I really wish so desperately to put an end to my misery? No… as long as Bella is alive, I will suffer and once she leaves this earth to go on to a place I may never see, then I will follow and pray that Carlisle is correct in his belief that there is a merciful God to answer to._

There was only one thing I could do to protect my love without breaking my promise to never darken her door again. "Alice, please listen to me… if I am to help Bella, you will need to help me."

"I understand."

"I need you to search your visions looking for any place where I may run across Victoria's path."

"Edward, you are not a tracker." I could hear the words as they crossed the smile I knew she was wearing.

"Could you just have a little bit of faith in your big brother?" I wished that I could return the smile I heard, but my cold stone face refused to curve in any upward direction. The next smile I would wear would come only from the satisfaction of looking down at Victoria's ashes at my feet.

"I'll do what I can. Edward… we miss you." Her voice was so full of love it made me ache inside.

"And I miss all of you." After closing my phone, I placed it on the seat next to mine.

Now I had a purpose. Something worth doing to keep my mind from traveling into the dangerous realms of homicide and suicide. I could do this. I would track Victoria down and put an end to her. Then, Bella would truly be safe. The odds of another vampire running across her scent were astronomical, especially when the beasts that protected the area near Forks may still be around. All I could do now was wait to hear from Alice and drive.


End file.
